Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Better Half

(ESPN has Erin Andrews, FOX has Pam Oliver, ABC has Michelle Tafoya and What Would Oakley Do? has Becca. Please join me in welcoming our first-ever sideline reporter/guest columnist. "The Better Half" will appear in this space each and every week and will feature the best, brightest and prettiest sports-related musings in all of the land in an attempt to explain what our girlfriends and wives are thinking when we ask them if they want to order wings before the Giants game starts.)

The Better Half
Episode Three
An Open Letter to Colt Brennan

Dear Colt Brennan,

Now, I know that you never did anything to me, my friends or family members. And I’m told you’re a good player. But after watching you play football on television this past Friday night I decided that I do not like you. At all. In fact, my dislike quickly metastasized into hate as I watched you strut around like you’re the bee’s knees.

I became even more disappointed with you and your face after I got a good look at the rest of your team, the Hawaii Warriors. Those guys play hard. They are brutal. They make professional football players look like lazy pansies who drink tea and crumpets. In fact, I think all the players were actual warriors in a past life. No, I mean actual warriors, like the ones in history books, with chain-link armor and long scraggly beards. The rest of the Warriors are 100% terrifying and have given me a newfound respect for football, football players and the state of Hawaii. It may have just been the whole drum/face-painting/culture thing they have going on, but nonetheless, this was zealousness bordering savagery.

But Colt, you’re different from your teammates. I mean, you “play hard”, sure, but your attitude, your style, your mien, it puts me off, Brennan. You have the all-American good looks of a David Wright, but lack the gracious, genuine, and humble charm. You just saunter along the sidelines like your farts don’t stink. Like you’re too cool for school. But I’m almost positive you have stinky farts, and I know that you are currently enrolled in college, most definitely a type of school. You give off a repulsively smug air that doesn’t warrant the title of a Warrior. And for someone who “watches a lot of football”, I find that kind of sideline behavior tacky, and unattractive. I don’t care that you are a good player. And even though I don’t know what the Heisman award is, I am sure that you shouldn’t win it. Well, unless it is some kind of award for douchiness. Then, you get my vote.

Good luck!



1 comment:

Mike Mah said...

I guess you prefer Chris' pick, Matt Ryan, or perhaps Chase Daniel? Athletes seem to operate in a universe of unqualified self-confidence. In what? To what end? Is humility not a virtue? Not in a world where agression is a moral good. On the outside, we call this douchiness.
This is cultivated. But we are often told that throwing, running, kicking, hitting are natural gifts. In the parlance of scouts, we have the "Good Face", and I wonder if a disproportionate number of athletes are indeed plainly, symmetrically handsome (this is a big problem, or a muddled glass ceiling for women in sports journalism, see Suzyn Waldman's ambiguously orgasmic call of Roger Clemens un-retirement at Yankee Stadium, the tense silence that follows any mention of Brett Favre in blue jeans, etc.)
Another variable: names that ring with destiny. So no Colt? What about Chase? I don't have much of a point. I'm merely saying that I'll have to be talked out of naming my first son Rocket and teaching him to hit left-handed over his plaintive cries of confusion. His little sister will be named Scout.