Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea..."-Book of Revelations 13:1

Monsters Are Among as the End-of-Days Nears, Apparently

Be afraid. Very afraid. Seemingly each day there are reports of terrifying beasts rising from the sea or descending from the stars. Make no mistake. We are under attack. By Monsters. And not cuddly, witty monsters with paper-mache skeletons and felt teeth. No, we're not under attack from any sort of cookie-loving creature or pansexual ticklish consumer products. We're under attack from mutated, sea dogs with dino-beaks and razor-sharp teeth. And, they're starting their conquest of the Eastern seaboard from Montauk, Long Island. Yup, the monster hordes are headed for the Hamptons. The last place us simple-minded humans would have expected.

I first heard about this washed ashore creature-corpse on Tuesday when the WWOD? Special Correspondent for Monster Issues forwarded me a link to a story in Gawker. From there, I did some digging and confirmed the location of some sort of high security government facility on an island not too far off the LI coast where this cutey washed up.

Those living in the vicinity of the US Governments' highly secretive and openly biohazarderrifc Animal Disease Research Center on Plum Island have long thought that dangerous and terrible experiments were going on there, both in terms of the treatment of animals as well as the existence of highly contagious disease possibly being used to create biochemical weapons. Or Monsters. Rumors have swirled (read: I've found them written on the Internet) that both West Nile Virus (which first appeared on US soil on Long Island and in nearby Queens in 1999) and Lyme Disease (which was first recognized as we know it today after several cases turned up in Connecticut, not too far from Plum Island) first appeared after being released, accidentally or otherwise, from this complex.

Since we are talking about a monster in this cynical day and age there are varying responses: Some say hoax and others say this is a prodigious blogger.

And if sea monsters weren't enough to get you to rent a copy of Monster Squad to brush up on your beast-fighting incantations then maybe this crazy beast-pig-gorilla, which was born in China (yeah, that place is totally safe for our most finely-tuned athletes), will do the trick. It is clear the Rapture is upon us. The four horsemen are in the saddle and the seventh seal is about to be opened. I'll see you in Hell. Or, out at the Hamptons!

"This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions... Human sacrifices, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!"

If FOX NEWS is trotting out "experts" to deny the existence of "Monty" the Monster then he must be real. Right? I mean if Fox News says it's a lie then it's the truth. Right?

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