NFL's Conservation of Advertising Animals

Similar to the way that all mass in a closed system will remain constant over time there is a careful equilibrium to the advertising messages during any broadcast of a National Football League game.

If there are five advertisements featuring Howie Long shilling alpha-male trucks that rattle off towing capacities as if the biological possession of testicles meant duties hauling of steel or lumber as regular as menses then there are also five spots, also featuring Long, for eco-friendly, pocket-sized cars trumpeting miles per gallon and emissions standards in a fashion that might not send Ed Begley Jr. into a tizzy.

This one part yin, one part yang and no parts that didn't already exist in another form. Mass media can neither be created nor destroyed. Just rearranged before and after punts and kickoffs.

So, it must be the case that the downfall polar bears is a boon for some other animal. And, yes, it is. Shrimp. Endless shrimp.



Fear the endless swarms and prepare to welcome your new crustacean overlords. Unless, of course, Red Lobster can fry, grill or saute enough of the decapod conquerers before it's too late.

I Checked Your Local Listings

While doing your best to ignore meaningless exit polls for the next few hours, you should head over to NBA TV (which you should have for free this week) and check out as meaningful a meaningless early November hoops game as you can find: Celtics versus Rockets. It's the title-bearing Big Three versus the Yao, McGrady & Artest trio from Houston.

TBS = Thwarting Baseball Supporters

Or, Is it Just That They Love Dick Clark and The Steve Harvey Show?

What a great night for sports. You got Texas and Missouri playing over on ABC. You got Boston College and Va.Tech on ESPN2. And you got The Steve Harvey Show on TBS. Uh whaaaa?

For some reason, Game 6 of the ALCS between Tampa and Boston is nowhere to be found. There was an old episode of Bloopers featuring Dick Clark and some co-host which then gave way to that Harvey show. Which I had forgotten even existed.

Steve Harvey just made a joke about going to an "oxygen bar." Up next, he's going to make a topical crack about the age the Republican candidate for President, Bob Dole

MLB.com has no mention of what's going on. Neither does ESPN.com. Same for TBS.com. Very Funny.

UPDATE: The game finally replaced the comedic talents of Mr. Harvey. You have to think that Frank Caliendo was pretty pissed off that they weren't airing his show during whatever technical difficulties were going on down in Atlanta.

You Can't Do That On Television

THAT Being Knicks Basketball

Alongside the 2008-2009 NBA schedules, which were released yesterday, the NBA's national television broadcasts were also announced. After scouring the listings it is pretty clear that D'Antoni or no D'Antoni the Association or the TV network execs involved are not trying to shine any bright lights on this Knickerbocker bunch. The Knicks have been completely left off the national broadcast schedule for next season. Apparently, you cannot play Knicks basketball on national television. The Knicks aren't scheduled to be TNT next season. And, they aren't turning up on the ESPN/ABC calendar either.

Knicks Fan A: How come the Knicks can't do that on television?

Knicks Fan B: I don't know.

Perhaps it was the memory of last season's wood-shedding by Boston that was beamed by TNT to homes across the country that is responsible for this omission. Although, I have to say that the performances delivered by Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley that night are some of the best I've ever heard in broadcasting. Still, it is possible that such ineptitude violated some sort of FCC regulation about athletics that I'm not aware of. That's totally possible.

A Great Day For Television, Except at Third Base

It was a great Sunday for sports and for television watching. Maybe the best non-NFL-playoffs television Sunday of 2008, at least so far.

The day kicked off (at least at my house) with the Hornets and the Pistons on ABC. Chris Paul dished out 6 assists in the first 6 minutes of the game even though he was spinning around the court on a bum wheel. The Hornets seemed to be playing down hill until Jason Maxiell of the Pistons had that devastating block of a Tyson Chandler dunk attempt. From that point on the crowd in the Palace and their team on the floor were different. That block changed the game for the Pistons. And, they took over from there. At this point, it seems the Pistons are beating one of the West's top teams each week.

That potential NBA Finals matchup was followed by a scintillating tilt between the Lakers and the Rockets, which was running parallel to the Big 12 tournament title game between Kansas and Texas. Which itself was coming on with Georgia versus Arkansas and Wisconsin versus a surprisingly game Illinois team. And, all of these programs segued directly in the NCAA Tournament Selection show on CBS, which in turn was only building towards the Simpsons on FOX, the Black Magic documentary on ESPN and the John Adams two-parter on HBO.

What a Sunday for Television! Great Pro Ball. Great College Ball. The onset of the Madness, the Simpsons and then a full-fledged new movie starring three great actors in Paul Giammati, Tom Wilkinson and Laura Linney (who the Better Half does not care for). But right smack in the middle of all of this at 6 pm, is the Knicks game. And they're playing the Hawks. In Atlanta. Ouch. If the rest of the day's television lineup was like the lineup of the 1927 Yankees then the Knicks game was like an aging Joe Dugan at third base. He was right there in the middle of things but he didn't have much pop left in that bat and he wasn't coming close to batting .300. He was a soft spot in the murderers' row and not really someone you were going to watch or remember. And the same could be said for the Knicks game.

In their first contest since it was revealed that Curry was done for the season the Knicks were handed their seventh loss in eight games by the Hawks, who moved into a tie for the last playoff spot in the East. All you really need to know is that Joe Johnson was the best player on the floor and that a close game was opened up in the fourth quarter by the team that needed the result more. And, that team wasn't the Knicks.

As Zach Randolph admitted after the final whistle, "they just dominated the game."